Defeated

Where have you gone, its been so long? I don't know if the pain can ever truly subside. I have heard it said that time heals, maybe it does if you let it. However, when you are constantly reminded of this pain it slowly chips away at you. I'm reminded by a cousin of mine who battled this demon of pain. I was young and very impressionable, but when I looked at this man I wept inside for him because I could not understand his pain and why he tormented himself so deeply. This man was strong, funny, and nice looking. He seemed to be very sociable and the type to have never met a stranger. During the day he was very much like you and I but at night when he was forced to live in this world he kept that is when he became different. He became something I could no longer relate to or understand. The sun would start to set and the level of Vodka in his bottle would sink just like there was a hole in the bottom. He seemed to find a bit of relief in that bottle. As I am almost certain that never a night went by that she was not on his mind. A love that was lost somewhere in time. He never could seem to let her go, she must have been a very strong woman. She was definitely stronger than that bottle that he drank. As the years rolled on his hope at getting her back rolled away and taking with it his desire. His desire to live to see a brighter day is what it took. He suffered such a horrible heartache which went beyond his emotional state but enveloped him physically as well. You could say it attacked him from his inner being and then destroyed his body. He had multiple heart attacks and open heart surgeries, but no matter what the Doctors did they could never really repair his heart, figuratively. He eventually died, as his will was broken, his dreams no longer feasible. He had given up, no more reason to live. For the longest time I could not understand why or how someone would let themselves go just because of someone else. I had not known love at this point. I had only begun my journey into that complex world of emotions. I had no clue of this pain and looked at it as foolish and something that could easily be overcome. That was then, that was before I met her. Not a name in particular but just the name of love. Love, haha, as the Lone Sailor can see it. I looked love in the eye and welcomed her challenge. Haha, I had no idea what I was doing in the first round. She really called all the shots and left me completely empty inside. Not only did she take my breath away with her sting but she left me not knowing who I am or who I could be. I know that many would consider me young and proclaim I lack experience. I beg to differ, for I have battled many rounds with the creature called LOVE. Each time is different, each time is complex. I have yet to win a round with her. I have had my struggles and I have had many shining moments but some how some way, Love, seems to knock me down and leave me in pain. To this point I have never been counted out, I have stood toe to toe with her. I have shown her my resilience, poise, and no fear in accepting her challenge. Looking back now, I understand my cousin's pain. I understand his tears, his need for an escape, and his thirst for relief. I don't know where he is at in spirit, I just pray that he is no longer tormented by this unforgiving beast called Love. I hope that he finally is free of her. As for me, the Lone Sailor, I have continued the fight for my fallen hero. I know there are times we must step away and better prepare ourselves for another round, but for some reason I lack the desire. The ref is about to make the TEN count! I have been knocked down by her, the sting was mighty. She knows that it gets harder to get back up after each of her punches. That is her design, perhaps to weed out the weak. Nature's code, survival of the fittest, is her game plan. As I lay on the mat, these things swarm through my mind. Do I want to get up and fight again? What are my motives for continuing? I cannot think of one thing to fight for as the ref signals for the bell. Now, I must live my life accepting defeat. I cant really say that Love won because that doesn't sound right. So come to find out it wasn't Love after all, it was Pain wearing a mask, kind of like those Mexican wrestlers. Now it all makes sense, Love cant win if its never in the fight! I have been tricked my whole adult life thinking that what I was fighting for was Love but it was just a facade. I have been duped! I don't even know if Love really exists. I have climbed the mountain top and thought I had her hand, but now the desire to climb back up is gone. I have been defeated and now i will take my broken spirit and set sail, just like the Lone Sailor, that I am.